Dear Diary

As my last semester of grad school approaches, it welcomes the usual fear and uncertainty. I felt like stalling my collegiate career a little longer with an MBA would set my future in stone and provide me with insight about my upcoming life and career. It turns out that I am now simply a confused person with another degree.

I am trying to remain calm and remember that every stage of life was terribly frightening before I began that particular chapter. To help remind myself that every little thing is not the end of the world as I know it, I call upon an old friend; a friend that collects dust at the top of my bookshelf: my diary.

Blogging may be my recent venture into sharing my innermost thoughts, but before its invention, I relied on a spiraled notebook, each year boasting a new design or picture on the front. The first entry would always serve as a welcome to the new year and the new diary. Other times, as demonstrated in my 7th grade Precious Moments diary, threats were used as a preface: "This diary is rated PG-13. It has some personal content that doesn't need to be read so. KEEP OUT. You read, you pay-- and you won't like it either!"

I have decided to pull them out tonight, as a reminder that my life has indeed moved on from the turmoil and life-altering events that were mentioned within its pages. I thought I would share a few sporadic excerpts from it-- not only for laughs, but as a reassuring reminder that daily stresses are only a few years away from being embarrassing entries in the diary of life. Enjoy!

7th grade:

"We just got back from church. Today, in our 'sex talk' class we had cookies and soda. We talked about STD's. It was so gross. I don't know about the other girls, but they sure scared me! I intend to stay pure until marriage. That's for sure! I'm not risking getting any of those dreadful diseases!" -- 2/13/2000

"This boy at school named Patrick is really getting on my nerves. First, he called me every day. Now, he's bringing me presents to school and asking me out. He is telling everyone that I love him...again, I am such a creep magnet. He is definitely a bug-a-boo!" --3/8/2000

"The Patrick problem hasn't disappeared. The rumor he spread today is that we went to the movies last night and made out. WHAT-EVER. I would never go to the movies with him. Ugh!"

"Speaking of Josh, the valley girl likes him. He's going to ask her out soon. They DO NOT make a good couple. Today, I was talking to him and she walked up and said, 'I know you want this hunk of a man to stand up for you, but...' I left before she could finish her snotty sentence. HUNK OF A MAN? Josh may be strong and stuff, but what's a hunk of a man? She's like so weird!" -- 3/9/2000

"Oh by the way, Bliss likes this boy who is like 16 or 17. She thinks he's cute, but I think he is dog ugly. She has something for blonde shorties. In a way, I do too. I like this boy named "Arnold," well that's our code name for him. She said when I talked to him today that I was beet red. I don't think so."

"*NSYNC was awesome! We had better seats too so we got a better look at them. Their show was exciting! Sisqo was there and so were his 'thong' girls. They were sicko! Most of them were fat and their cheeks didn't need to be exposed to 20,000 people."

"What am I going to do my report on? It has to start with the first letter of your last name. Reproduction? Whatever! I would never think of it. It's sick! It would get the boys going (if you know what I mean!)"

9th grade:

"I guess it's my inferiority complex. I just wish I was good enough. Boys don't know I exist. Sometimes I feel like a frizzy-haired, pimple-faced nobody. Maybe someday I'll find another nobody and together we'll be a somebody."

"Oh, diary, he is so awesome! He is so cute and funny. He's a little quirky too, like me, so we click...I just think about him 24/7. I can share this with you because I certainly can't tell anyone. Plus, my dad thinks I'm a happy, single, independent boy-hater, which obviously isn't the case. I want so bad to be loved, to drive around and talk, go out to eat, and kiss!"

The hysterical list goes on and on, but the theme runs the same throughout. Every small detail is the biggest deal in the world. Crushes that fell through were detrimental to my life; bad grades on tests would doom me to life without college; my parents were the most unreasonable, irrational people in the United States of America.

It's funny to look back, but in all actuality, I am sometimes behaving like that same little girl. My cries may have changed from "He's never going to notice me!" to "Will I ever get married?" or "I don't know if I am ever going to college!" to "Where in the world am I going to get a job?" but the lack of faith is still a recurring element.

God led me through the storm of junior high; mended my crushed hopes of puppy love and whispered to me that I really was beautiful despite my glasses and frizzy hair. If I listen closely, I will hear that same reassurance and compassion calling out to me today. And I will look at my current obstacles and remark with the usual, "WHAT-EVER."