The Vow

This might possibly be in the running for the strangest thing I have ever written, more or less published on my blog. But I was inspired today. I sat through the wedding ceremony of my friends Maleah and Nathan and heard them recite the vows they wrote for each other to each other. While it's easy to disregard emotions when hearing traditional wedding vows, there is something so pure, so touching about vows that are written personally; it's like a story they started and have the rest of their lives to finish.

My eyes became a bit misty as I watched the groom tearfully describe how he has been inspired to be a better person since the day he met her; how he will never leave her and care for her when she is sick. I have and forever will be a huge, sobbing sap-- but I think the reason weddings and stories of long-lasting love have currently been heavy on my heart is because there are days that I honestly feel like that's not going to be me. I know that within every strong woman there is still a flickering light that causes you to press on after every horrible date or relationship experience, but every strong woman also has that lingering fear that happily ever after was somehow absent from her life's book.

Through all the put-downs and the discouragement and the break-ups and the complete absence of thoughtfulness, I still have maintained the ever-growing fire in my belly and stirring in my soul that tells me I am good enough; that I am beautiful; that I have so much to give; and so much to receive. And that one day someone will notice me; and will treat me with kindness and respect; and that I don't have to keep going back to revisit old wounds that are never going to heal.

I say all this to say that I have decided to write my own vows. These vows are to someone I don't even know; maybe I haven't even met them yet. Perhaps they are halfway across the world or a few streets down. This is my promise to you that I will not quit searching; that I will not let the others before you break my spirit of love and peace; that one day you will get the whole Ashton, not pieces and parts that have been left from the damage done before your presence. This is for you.

I don't know who you are; I don't even know your name. You could be short (I'm still wearing my heels, mind you) or you could be as tall as a professional basketball player (If you could make this happen, that would be great-- but I'm willing to reconsider). I don't know how you laugh yet, but I know I will make you do it. Whether it's a boisterous guffaw or a Santa Claus belly laugh, I will no doubt find it adorable and I will do everything in my power, every day, to make sure I hear you let one fly.

I promise to bring joy to you through song and dance. I know you don't know this yet, but you are going to love to hear me sing karaoke and your requests will be endless. I don't care if you have two left feet-- we are going to dance together. I think you are beginning to see my somewhat pushy nature, but you will one day find that it is only a result of my deep love for you and my constant desire to inspire you to greatness. I will not let my own crushed dreams prematurely end the dreams that will one day come true for us.

You have my solemn oath that I will not lash out in anger; I will simply engage in blog therapy. You will one day come to find it endearing that I can be bawling my eyes out one minute and be perfectly fine the next after I hit the "Publish Post" button. I know that after about 5 years of marriage you will learn to buy stock in the Kleenex company, but that my soft heart and compassion is what drew you to me in the first place. I vow not to let the years before you guard my heart and hide this compassion behind locked doors.

I can't promise to have the house spotless and a gourmet meal on the table every night, but I can promise you hilarious entertainment as you watch me attempt to cook. I constantly try to better myself and end up rolling on the floor laughing in the process. I know that one day you will be front row center laughing with me. I am a klutz, but you will pick me up. I say the most ridiculous things, but you will always understand my logic. I have dreams and goals, and you will be my biggest fan. My love for God and the church will be exemplified through your love and patience with me.

So this vow is to you, wherever you are. I am tired of letting life get me down; I'm tired of hurt stripping away the fullness of spirit I long to present to you. You're getting the whole girl; the messy, mixed up, not always rational, passionate, crazy girl. She's yours.

So hurry up. (Ok, so that's the pushy part again. Sorry!)