The Fabulous Familiar

Taking the ordinary and making it extraordinary...

Monday, June 28, 2010

Ashton's Auction

If you work at a medical facility, x-rays are just an everyday part of the job. You see them, you sign them, you file them. According to the Today show, not all x-rays are created equal. Apparently Marilyn Monroe's x-rays (pictured above) just sold for a whopping $45,000. It doesn't stop there. They featured small, insignificant items owned by celebrities that had been sold to people for numbers in the thousands and millions.

I remember my friend Bliss and I were so jealous that some girl had purchased *NSYNC singer Lance Bass's half-eaten French toast off of eBay when we were kids. Now, with a few bills looming, I can't think of anything more ludicrous than spending your hard-earned money on such frivolous items. Lance Bass is just a guy like Fred across the street; if I gag at the thought of eating Fred's leftover French toast, why would I jump at the chance to pay $100,000 for Lance's?

All of this nonsense got me thinking. What would an auction of my life look like? What would people fight over when I was dead and gone? Let's fast forward a lot of years and pretend we are sitting down in a large gathering watching people childishly fight over my things:

1. The diary collection-- $250,000. An old man collector bought this collection so he could read my innermost thoughts from the age of 10 until I was through college. An extra $2,000 was charged for a translating device that helps him decode all the fake names I gave the boys I had crushes on (I had nosy brothers after all!)

2. The crumbs from the last sandwich-- $20,000. They wanted to sell the whole sandwich for a higher price, but everyone knows Ashton doesn't leave anything when she's eating her daily turkey sandwich. The crumbs from the crust of the bread were enough for some collector though apparently.

3. The karaoke microphone-- $150,000. This microphone has seen many a karaoke session. Whether she was rocking out or singing sad country melodies post break-up, it was a daily part of her life. A prominent businessman bought this and put it on his desk as a daily reminder to live life "the Ashton way."

4. Full rights to social media-- $3.5 million. A known blogger and Facebook status updater, Ashton would consider this one of the golden gems of the auction. The chosen collector is responsible for keeping her wit and charm alive by blogging weekly and Facebook-ing hourly.

5. Her Sonic straw/bag collection--$10,000. As most real collectors know, Ashton lived across the street from Sonic for a few years. In this time, she made continual trips to get Route 44 Diet Dr. Peppers and dollar chicken sandwiches. The bags, gathered from the passenger seat of her car, were sold for $10,000 with proceeds benefiting the Carhops' Kids Scholarship Fund.

Also found at the auction are her living room shoe collection, her unread Textbooks (good as new!) and her 2,500 colorful skirts.

While I know that my material items will remind people of me and the person I was, I hope that people are gathered around discussing matters other than my mismatched socks for $12,500. I want to leave a legacy where people hold me in their hearts and not on their wall.

Going once, going twice, SOLD.


Blogger Phyllis said...

I really think the Sonic straw/bag collection would go a lot higher.

June 30, 2010 at 4:39 PM  

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