The Next Bachelorette

You would think after my recent disappointment watching "The Bachelor," that I would have sworn off such ridiculous television viewing. With that behind me, I still watched the premiere of "The Bachelorette" last night, which will in turn probably lead to watching a season of the show.

As I watched 25 guys step out of the limo to meet cute, spunky Ali Fedotowsky, I couldn't help but wonder what would happen if I became the next Bachelorette. While it is hard to picture 25 semi-normal guys pausing their lives and driving all the way to Arkansas to meet with me, I'm sure some interesting folks would crawl out of that limousine.

Case in point: This morning.

I got stuck behind the garbage truck on the way to work this morning. I was already running a little behind and was pretty stressed that I was on the verge of being late. A truck behind them warned that "This vehicle makes frequent stops." What they really mean by such signs is: "You, too, shall make frequent stops and will be postponed in doing whatever you are doing."

I finally pull in the parking lot, throw my car in park and clickety-clack my way toward the office. Right about that time, the garbage truck takes a curve and the guy leans his body out from the back of the truck.

Oh no. I have seen this look before. Those wandering eyes. Yuck.

"Whatchu doing tonight?" confirms my suspicions.

I did what I have recently begun to do in situations like these. I nervously laugh, smile and wave. This really doesn't answer their question nor does it even fit the situation, but it's like an automatic reflex. Weird situations immediately elicit a Miss America wave. If you ask me a question and I wave at you, just go away. You have made me uncomfortable and should just try back another time.

I don't know what it is about me that attracts such...interesting attention. I am much more likely to receive a cat call and odd stare than I am a nice invitation to go get coffee. My romancers are more likely to be found in the parking lot of Wal-Mart than in institutions of higher education.

Well, for my admirers unaware, here are a few things that will get you a "wave" instead of a "hello."

1. Don't say something completely odd that catches me off guard-- There is no rule of romance that says you have to say something totally random and unique to get a girl's attention. I mean, you want to stand out, but if she has to be confused first before she understands, you have overdone it. If I am wearing a blue shirt, chances are, I don't even remember what I have on. Don't walk up and say, "I see that you are a fan of blue." Chances are, I will look at you strangely before figuring out that I am wearing a blue shirt and you were trying to be cute.

2. Don't do the "nod" followed by the "eye thing."-- If you approach me or hang your head out of a truck window and do the sudden jerk of your head in an upward position, this does not impress me. Also, eyes should be focused directly on mine as you say something nice--not doing a quick take of the entire picture.

3. Don't ignore subtle hints-- If a girl does not make eye contact or her body is not directly facing you, she is trying to get away. If every invitation is met with an excuse like, "I have work to do" or "I'm really busy," this does not necessarily mean you should keep trying to find a compromised date. If she really wanted to go out, she would forget about the looming work.

4. Don't whistle, yell or call me a pet name-- I don't even like pet names from someone I am dating; like I am going to appreciate being called "pretty thang" from a stubbly old man. There are some women who may like this kind of attention, but I am not one to follow a whistle. Save that for your yellow lab. I once had a guy overseas lick his lips at me. I don't think I need to explain why that one is just plain wrong.

5. Don't bring me strange gifts-- I once had a guy in high school who brought me some earrings as a love offering. The earrings were clearly pre-owned and still had ear crust on them (gag). Luckily, a few days later he asked for them back. Why? Because he had stolen them and the person they belonged to had noticed.

Unfortunately, this list could go on for days. I have more interesting stories than I can possibly recount in this entry. The bottom line is, I think some fellas make it very hard for a girl to just be nice. People complain constantly about girls who are snobby and rude, but the truth is, sometimes that is what it takes.

Countless girls try to be sweet to everyone they know and see and in return get years of annoying attention from guys who took their kindness too far. Just take the time to appreciate when people are nice to you and treat you with sincerity. Don't take off on it and make it mean more than it really does.

This goes for girls, too. Perhaps when stalking quits following kindness, more people will join in its practice.