Beep One More Time. I Dare You.

It's 5:00 a.m. I am lying in my new queen-sized bed, enjoying some Zzzzs when I suddenly hear these sporadic, high-pitched beeps.

Not coherent at this time of day, I stare up at the ceiling; when the idea of someone placing a bomb in my room was dismissed, I looked for the annoying culprit.

I sat up. I prepared for the hunt. Then, it stopped. I sat there for a while waiting for it to grace me with its presence again, but the room was once again silent and the world was right.

I lie back down. As soon as I fall back asleep, a loud beep suddenly awakens me from my slumber.

...That's it. This is war. This is not funny. Some technological device in my room is dying; and it can't just die a slow and quiet death. It has to take me down with it.

It is then that I realize it is the smoke detector. 'This shouldn't be too hard,' I tell myself, 'just take the battery out and sleep is yours again.' I tromp like a Neanderthal into the kitchen to get a chair, sliding it down the hall mumbling the whole time. From what I remember, something to the extent of, "You had to pick 5 stinkin' in the morning to tell me this, you dumb thing."

I carelessly climb up on the chair, wobbling a little bit and wishing I hadn't purchased such cheap chairs from a flea market. I try to read the directions, but realize I forgot to put my glasses on. I grumble some more, get off the chair I just got settled on and go get my glasses.

When I climb back up, it has decided to start beeping again; and it is, of course, ten times louder when you are 2 inches away. I use all the might I can muster at 5 a.m. and try to twist off the top part. It comes off pretty easily and dangles from the electrical wires. Not knowing much about this contraption, I hope that maybe this will stop the noise.

Once my head hits the pillow, I realize once again that it is not satisfied with my help. Beep! Beep! "Are you serious!?" I yell. It is then that I see the button. I love buttons because they usually do something to help you out; just push the button. So...I pushed it.

Pretty much the "Evacuate your house!" sound starts firing away, and I just know that my roommates will come rushing from their room any minute. No such luck. It's nice to know that I will have to wake them up from a coma if a fire ever does erupt in the house.

I used scissors to pry the top part from the bottom part, hoping that this would do something; the warning on the detector told me that I might feel a mild shock when I did this; so I felt victorious since every hair on my head was still in place (well, as in place as it is when you wake up!) It worked for a few hours so I thought it was cured. I fell back asleep. An hour or so later, it began again. I was too exhausted at this point to do anything about it and knew that I would be getting up for work in a few hours anyway.

"Beep one more time. I dare you." Why am I reasoning with a smoke detector? It is winning, Ashton. It is winning-- because you are going absolutely crazy.

Beep.
...Beep.

I stick my fingers in my ears like a two-year-old who is chanting to their parent, "I'm not listen-ing!" This is how I slept until 7 a.m. when my roommate Allison has woken up for the day. With all the energy I can muster, I call to her. She comes in and I just point at the dangling wires from the ceiling. "Help!"

She works at it some more; her morning-person demeanor proving to be more triumphant. She takes it down and takes the battery and everything out of it. I, meanwhile, have gone to the bathroom to start getting ready for work. She opens the bathroom door and proudly presents me with the destructed smoke detector. "Thaaaaaaaank you," I said. It is then that I hear it.

Beep!

How does a smoke detector beep when there is nothing in it whatsoever? It is then that I realize that this is some demon-possessed, angry smoke detector. Maybe it's bitter because it hasn't had a fire to warn us of; maybe it feels useless.

"I want this demon-possessed thing out of my house!"

Allison, knowing I was at the end of my rope as far as this little devil was concerned, took it from my hands and put it outside. If I hadn't had to get ready, I probably would have followed with a baseball bat.

Needless to say, I am quite tired this morning. I just know that the next few nights, I am going to fear its return; I feel like it will be one of those horror movie-esque things where this possessed smoke detector finds itself back in my room and beeps endlessly.

I will not give up. Beep one more time. I dare you.